Parenting Sometimes Sucks Ass
by RandomFreakazoid
Summary: Batman thought Robin was taking it too easy so he sent Slade to toughen him up for him. But now that both Slade and Red X are taking too much interest in his adopted son, Daddy Batman is going to take care of them. Red X/Robin Crack!Fic


Disclaimer: You're kidding right?

Summary: Batman thought Robin was taking it too easy so he sent Slade to toughen him up for him. But now that both Slade and Red X are taking too much interest in his adopted son, Daddy Batman is going to take care of them. Red X/Robin Crack!Fic

…I really gotta take care of these random fandom loving…

This is practically NOT canon because of all the inaccuracies! I swear to god I actually started watching Teen Titans RECENTLY (I finally bought a TV O_O).

And it's better to pretend to forget everything you know and all that crap just for this fic.

But enjoy the crack anyway~

(PS I'm a lazy asshole who makes fics that should continue but never finished…ENJOY (runs away)

XXX

Once upon a time, there was a man name Bruce Wayne.

He is a filthy rich man with a huge ass mansion and owns the company of Wayne Enterprises (not to mention he has an awesome butler name Alfred. And a dog. Can't forget the dog).

You probably saw him on TV several times.

But back to the point - one day, this filthy rich man with a huge ass mansion, company, butler, and dog came across a small ten year old boy whose parents had died in a circus "accident" (not going to go much detail about it).

He took him in.

This boy was named Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne raised him like a son. He taught him everything a good father should teach to his boy: military drills, nineteen different martial arts styles, escapology, criminology, fencing, stealth, disguise (by now the readers should notice that this pathetic author has stolen this info from Wikipedia), and how to ride a bike.

A motorbike but a bike nonetheless.

But Robin turned fourteen – the age when teenagers become the most over reactive, hormonal and emotional.

Oh dear.

Long story short, Robin got tired of Batman being the over-controlling father.

"_IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"_

"_Robin you ungrateful brat, of course it's my business. I'm the closest thing you have as a parent – "_

"_I HAVE ALFRED!"_

"_Alfred's mine and we both know that. Back to what I was saying, it is my business to know what you're doing these days. These days you have been very suspicious – you have snuck out of the mansion four to five times a week at twelve PM ("Are you stalking me?" "Don't be stupid I'm a detective."), you hang around with these shady looking teenagers, and I feel very uncomfortable with the weird blonde that looks at you like a piece of m-"_

"_THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH JACKSON!"_

_Awkward silence._

"…_Does he really look at me like a piece of meat?"_

"_Dick Grayson," Bruce Wayne said slowly and sternly, "Are you hiding something from me?"_

"_You're a detective why don't you find out?"_

"_Don't be smart with me boy."_

"_I'm being myself, _dad_."_

"_Will you care to tell me who this "Jackson" is?"_

"_NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!"_

"_That's it – GO TO YOUR ROOM!"_

Yeah you get the picture.

After that Robin left the Wayne Mansion before punching Batman in the face.

Of course they haven't contacted each other for a while and irrational anger eventually ends with time. Batman's curiosity and paternal instincts force him to go on his computer to check on how Robin was doing and was pleasantly surprised. The kid actually became the leader of the Teen Titans and was doing well by himself. Of course Batman would shake his head or sigh every time Robin does something stupid like becoming too hot-headed or got hit (seriously he taught the kid _19 different martial arts styles_) but he was still pleased.

But really look at all the petty villains his boy fought! I mean **TEEN TITANS BROUGHT DOWN ALL OF JUMP CITY'S GANGS**? He needs a challenge…

Batman grinned.

He picked up a phone and dialed a number.

"Hello I wish to speak to Slade Wilson? Ah thank you Wintergreen."

"_Hello Mr. Wayne, is there something that you need?"_ a smooth baritone voice answered from the other end.

"Mr. Wilson are you well informed of the Teen Titans in Jump City?"

"_Yes I am."_

"Will you do a favor for me? Robin, the leader of the Teen Titans, needs more experience with fighting against crime. As far as I'm concern he won't be making much progress with fighting against petty thieves and street gangs."

"_Let me guess, if you allow Mr. Wayne. You want me to go to Jump City, pretend to be a supervillain, and train the kid indirectly while mindraping him in the same process."_

"You know me too well Slade."

"_No Bruce, _you_ know me too well. You know I'll never pass up a good fun like this. Ever since my son, Jason, ran away from home to become some thief in the streets, life became unfortunately mundane. Sometimes mindraping once in a while is good for the heart."_

"You sadistic bastard."

"_And you're asking me to torture your kid. But I would do the same if Jason was a leader of a hero squad."_

A sigh.

"_We are too alike you and I. We're both wonderful and caring fathers who picked orphans from the streets and raised them like our own and they pay us back with a punch on the face."_

Batman rubbed his cheek in memory.

"_Where did it all go wrong?" _

"The caring fathers part. I have to leave now. Is it safe to assume that you will be doing the task?"

"_Of course Bruce. I'll start tomorrow but I'll have to test Robin his skills first with some amateur villains. Have a nice day Mr. Wayne."_

"You too Mr. Wilson."

Batman hung up the phone with a smile.

XXX

It has been six months since that call and Batman was notably pleased with Robin's development.

Calling Slade Wilson was a wise choice.

While Batman was drinking his red win, he received an unexpected phone call.

He picked it up.

"Hello?"

"_Bruce, there's something wrong with my son. He has grown from thief to anti-hero to a stalker."_

Bruce almost choked on his wine.

"W-Wait _what_?"

"_I had the same response too."_

"_When Jason was six I inserted a microchip in his arm so that whenever I want to check on him I can always access to my private satellite. The microchip is designed to be a tracker so I always know what he's doing."_

_Damn it I should have done the same thing_, thought Batman.

"_Four months ago your son pretended to be a criminal by wearing a whole new different suit powered by xinothelium to get closer to me but failed. He kept the suit away in a vault in the Teen Titans Tower. Jason, for reasons unknown, had managed to infiltrate the tower and stole the suit. He is now a thief/anti-villain who goes by Red X, the name Robin used when he pretended to be a villain back then."_

"_Now here's an important detail I almost missed. Before the incident happened, Robin found Jason taking on a gang by himself in a back alley and helped him. After that Jason got curious and followed Robin to the tower and came up with a brilliant idea of 'Hey! I stole from bakeries to jewelry shops – why not something from the Teen Titans?' He broke in, found a shiny vault, cracked the code, stole the suit, and watched Robin sleeping for ten whole minutes."_

"Ten whole minutes?'

Something clicked.

"Please don't tell me your son went gay for my son."

"_Jason is not _gay_. I've seen him screw prostitutes every single month through the satellite – _don't you dare say anything Bruce – _and that's enough for me to conclude he's perfectly straight."_

"Your son could be bi."

"_I've never seen him fool around with a boy before."_

"There's a first time for everything."

"_Fine. So my son is gay – what the hell am I supposed to do?"_

Whoa. Slade Wilson is asking him advice? Damn.

"Don't do anything. As much as it is disturbing to think that your son is gay for Robin it's best to leave them alone."

"_Can't you just come over to Jump City and kill my son for me?"_

"No for one, that's a waste of my time. Two, that your son so if you're disgusted that Jason's gay then _you _take care of it. And three, just take my advice and leave them alone. They're two stupid and ungrateful teenagers and they might as well go happy together."

"_I'm sorry Bruce I don't think I can do that."_

Batman raised a fine eyebrow.

"And why not?"

Bruce could almost hear the smirk from the other side of the phone line.

"_Tutoring Robin had made me feel _affectionate _towards him."_

Batman's jaws dropped. Alfred, who was behind him, dropped the tea he was carrying.

"Slade, if you are trying to mindrape me for the hell of it I swear to god I'll-"

"_Well now you know that I adore Robin you can see why I'm a little irritated of Jason going after him. I was hoping that you'll come over to Jump City right away to pummel my son but it looks like you don't give a damn. Have a nice night Mr. Wayne."_

Slade hung up on Batman.

And Batman was still gaping.

Summing up the situation carefully – Slade and his son are now in, somewhat, a love competition for Robin.

His ex-sidekick, his protégé, his son.

Batman was…_okay_ with Jason stalking his son but _Slade_? The famed Deathstroke fell for _his_ son?

Hell no. it doesn't matter if Robin left the mansion because Batman was being the overprotective father.

There are two (does Slade count now that he's against Batman?) dangerous villains lusting over his poor boy in a dangerous city far, _far_ away from Gotham and there is no way that he's going to leave this utterly ridiculous situation alone.

Batman crushed the phone in his hand before putting up a post in every bounty hunter, police headquarters, secret crime fighting organizations (such as ninja clans, assassins and etc), and the Justice League personal website boards.

"Bruce Wayne is giving a five million dollar bounty for Slade and Red X's heads. Please do not answer any questions about this. If interested, please contact the Wayne Enterprises as soon as possible."

Batman pressed the send button, the message sent throughout thousands of websites in the internet.

Why go to Jump City and let Joker take over Gotham in his absence when he can have someone else do the dirty job for him?

XXX

And that's for the first chapter! Thank you for reading buh-bye~


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